Friday, July 24, 2015

Must Read: When He Farts On The First Date


Someone should please explain to me how guys reason because I don’t understand.

Why do guys think that they can do anything and still get away with it?. I don’t give a rat’s ass if the recent statistics show that the ratio of women to men is 3:1. Neither do I care if guys are in high demand and there are not enough of them to go round.  It’s no excuse, okay?.

What happened to me should never happen to any lady and single girl should ever have to go through what I went through…

Your girl was on her own. (I’m always on my own when stuff like this happens).
Okay, I admit that I had something to do with him coming to talk to me. You know that stuff that girls do when they see a good looking guy na, I gave him the stare-down, Hehehe. I would stare at him ehhn and he would do the same, then we would see who would be the first to look away, never speaking to each other.. Ever.. So my crush on him developed cos bravery is a turn-on for me… 

Anyway, we played this game all through my year one until one day the guy gathered liver to come and talk to me. You should have seen the look on my face because I wasn’t really expecting that at all but trust me, I recovered quickly. So we had a little convo and he got my phone number.  After, the usual 3 days ( rolling my eyes) he called me and said we should meet up and I agreed.

First hangout.

If you know me, you would know that I love to smell good, like I literally douse myself in perfume,not to the extent of ruining your nose but in a way that when you hug me, you’d never want to let go. So I saw him. Twas cool and we flowed pretty good and I was convinced that he was crush-worthy.. Until I heard a sound.

At first I thought it was one of those night sounds but I knew that ain’t no cricket alive that could ever make that sound. My people, Behold, a fart!. If there were other people around, I would have gladly pinned it on them but alas! No one!.. So I ignored it, we all fart except you are Kim Jong-un of North Korea without an asshole ( thank you The Interview .lol).

Then it happened again . Mehhn, this time I had to talk. Haba!.. It was plain rude.. I then asked him why he kept farting in my presence, the guy now had the audacity to say that it was a free world and then proceeded to fart again, this time with style.. Ehn?.. I composed.. No point in going crazy besides it was in open air and my nice smelling self didn’t allow me to get that personal with him by knowing what his fart smells like..

We walked on and kept gisting like nothing happened.  “it was a test” was the next thing I heard. Say what? “what was a test? ” I said feigning innocence. In my mind I was like “Nigga,let it go”.. But nooo, the idiot didn’t catch the hint that he should change the subject,  “My farting in front of you”  *sigh* I gave it to him. “what kind of stupid test is that one eh?. Don’t you guys have anything better to do than release your toxic gas in public and call it a test? “. He now went on to tell me that by farting in front of me and watching my reaction, he can tell what kind of girl I am… I know you were not behind this, it surely has to be one of those stupid boys boarding school follies.. Like WTF??.. What did he expect from me?. Was I supposed to smile and tell him his fart smelled lovely then go on to ask him what he ate for dinner that produced such lovely emissions and tell him how I would cook something better for him to eat so he can produce even more fragrant smells?. Is that the reaction that would have told him that I’m wife material or a correct person?? Chai, I have suffered!. I mean what is that all about?.. I looked this guy up and down, eyed him like a true Lagos-bred sister, told him good night and walked away.

The next day, my phone did not rest. I know it’s good to be tolerant but seriously, any guy that can do such in a lady’s presence and not apologize has no respect, test or no test. So I finally picked up my phone and told him never in his fart smelling life ever try that with me again and that I could understand if it was a lapse in judgement cos after all, we are all human. The guy apologized and we settled.

Ladies and gentlemen, My crush on him died that day though from time to time I still admire his handsome face in his whatsapp profile pictures, but I can’t over “the test” (Why do the fine boys have to be such asses? *sad*..)



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