Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Must Read: The Lecturer, The Pastor, A Girl and A Dose Of Viagra.

Back in high school, I discovered that I loved solving Physics and Mathematics and so I would get lots of discarded calendars, write up Mathematical problems and solve them into the wee hours of the night.
My grades soared, my teachers praised me, my peers hailed me, I just continued to fly on my newly acquired academic wings.
I found my true love, Physics became my ‘best-pal’

Then, I got into University and ‘struggled’ to keep the Es and Fs away. I was rail-thin, studying Physics, cramming laws, solving Mathematically-confused equations, cursing the Bohrs, the Fermis and Schr√∂dingers in their grave. It was a fight to finish.
I fought on and raked in As-Cs for the first four years, I rarely missed classes, I got more than 3 notes for each subject, one for the lectures, one for jottings and the last for cram-pouring.

I avoided getting acquainted with lecturers, rarely visited their offices( as I had no business there), greeted them only when they look at me like is-this-gal-not-one-of-my-students.

I stayed away from boys( a round of applause for me please…Lol), I stayed away from partying, I rarely even ate (ask my stomach). It was just me, my laptop and my Physics. Oh, I sang Physics like love songs, I wrote down equations like poems, I sometimes recited equations in my dreams. There was a time I dreamt and saw Faraday, of course I gave him a dirty slap :-\
The fear of failure and extras was the beginning of wisdom, I even forgot about heaven and hell, the fear of having an F trumped whatever the devil planned in hell. Abegi, make devil go siddon one place.

Well, I had it good until this fateful day, I was sitting gently in the electronics laboratory when my HOD walked in. I greeted him politely, and faced my business. Then he sat close to me, peered at my laptop and said:

HOD: Hawayu *In his heavily accented voice* 
Me: I am fine Sir. *smiles* 
HOD: So you are a finalist? 
Me: Yes Sir. 
HOD: What’s your GPA? 
Me: *Tells him* 
HOD: Oh. You can do better for a first class. Did you apply for the Scholarship? 
Me: I did not Sir. And I don’t think I want a first class, I’m just content where I am. 
HOD: What? Every student wants a First class. You are just too lazy to work for it. 
Me: *mute* 
HOD: Have you been attending my classes? I don’t see you, I only see that other pretty girl that you walk with. 
Me: *In my mind* Chineke meee, you watch so closely that you know who I walk with, even when the said gal is not in my dept. 
HOD: You can’t talk! 
*He gathered a bunch of heavy books and gave them to me* Take this to my office and wait for me there. 
* I fainted *
My HOD was a Senior Pastor with **** and he has a reputation of ‘lashing’ several girls. He had an apartment very far away from school where he takes his victims to for lashing. But for him to lash you, you must have failed once or twice, have extras or numerous Fs, then you must have gone to him for help.
This man was so notorious that he sleeps with gals and simply order lecturers in the dept to change their grades. He does not care if you had a Zero, once you are lashed, you will pass. His life was pretty straight-but-not-forward ;D

So, I trekked the long distance to his office and just as I got to the door, I saw him alighting from the car. Speak of the devil… I carried the books to his office, dumped them on the table and as I tried to evaporate, he cornered and asked me to kneel behind his huge desk.

Me: Kneel Sir? I haven’t done anything. 
HOD: Obey first *smiling like a goat *
Well, just like the goat that depicts my star-sign, I can be strong-willed when I feel I’m right, so I refused to kneel behind his desk and stayed close to the door, where his Secretary in the outer office can see me.

This HOD who is also a man of God went into a tirade. I left his office.

For four years in the school, I had just an E and no F but that year, my whole class failed the HODs course(except for about 8 people). It was magical, he simply said we were dullards, he said he will not remark, he also said we can report to the Exams Panel, that he is not scared of anyone as the VC is his BOY.
*My mouth dropped open and my eyes teared up*
I was devastated and with time I got to know that he already propositioned 3 gals in the class. So we were 4 that must be lashed…Lol.

We told the other lecturers and they told us to prepare to retake his course cos the man is really notorious and he could delay our stay in school if we report to the Exams panel. Hmmmmn, one day, I carried myself to the Man’s office to plead with him. Luckily, I found him in a good mood and we talked at length. He asked why I’m acting like I don’t lash, he even asked if I think the poor, young students lashing me are better than him in bed( my alter-ego died), he then said he needs only ONE DOSE OF VIAGRA) to scatter the place… ( I screamed the blood of Jesus in my mind ).

I was nauseated but kept pleading with him, he kept on smiling at my discomfort, I told him I suffer from Migraines hence I can’t afford to fail any course as it will take a toll on me. This old man kept laughing and then he said:

HOD: How long have you been in this school?

Me: 5 years Sir.

HOD: Ehn, so you want to go untouched? You want to go away with this bumbum *he gestured with his hand* just like that?

Me: *mute and sobbing quietly*

HOD: Tell me, are you dating any lecturer?

Me: No sir.

HOD: Good. Go and read for my course. I will make sure I personally supervise that day and I will be standing behind you all through. You talk, you are in trouble.

Me: Okay, thank you Sir.

I went to a lecturer to recount everything the HOD said, my lecturer even offered to pose as my boyfriend to get the Randy pastor off my back. I declined and thanked him.

I later called my mum and told her I would be changing schools soon, she was worried. She made calls, threats were thrown back and forth. A professor tried to set up a panel, my Course mates went into Prayer and Fasting sessions :D
The HOD continued to laugh with us in his classes, meanwhile, our joint destinies hinged on the shoulders of 4 gals who refused to be lashed :D

Exams came and the best student in class sat with me, he would write and check my script for mistakes. We had earlier gone on a two-weeks Marathon reading for that same course, we were prepared but our spirits wavered. Surprisingly, the HOD wasn’t around and I had a breather all through the paper.

Months passed and we all completed our projects and prepared for defence. My group built a host of gadgets, we even made a working rocket. The HOD was present at our defence and he marked everyone below 40- meaning that we had to start afresh, weeks to graduation. We all went berserk. The devil that whispered to my HOD during this period was a strong devil oh, this old man who had been lashing gals for several years could not stand the fact that some gals were going to graduate without feeling his rod. My HOD was not a young man back then, he was a MOG too, with grown-up children who were older than all his students. Yet he lashes without shame, talks about his victims too, lobbies for grade for whoever he lashes, boasts about using Viagra, and then, he comes to class to preach about Jesus and heaven…talk about ironies of gigantic proportions.

I prepared to leave the school, cos I felt like if I needed to feck for grades, they were young, handsome and single lecturers in the department who would deliver without Viagra, I couldn’t imagine myself in the arms of a 60+ man, a MOG..I dunno if the grace that covers MOGs would cover me too after lashing..hehehehe!

Somehow, the issue spread like Wildfire, the VC could not discipline his ‘brother’, but we got a visiting professor to re-assess and grade our projects.
I had a well-deserved A in my project :) and I also graduated right on time.
And yes, I had a beautiful E in the HODs course :) , for my inability to lash.

When I went back to school to get my call-up letter, I passed by the HODs office and saw people gathered outside the faculty, the HOD just bought a brand new car for his wife and people were gathered to ‘wash’ the car.
I smiled with my tiny-yellow teeth, greeted the MOG effusively and then wiggled my sumptuous bum-bum out of his sight…

May God save us all from horny Lecturers and Pastors.

Thanks for reading :)



  1. A very good read I had. And amen May God save us from sadistic lecturers

  2. Cool. Thanks for hanging in there and showing others a good model.




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