Tomorrow would be my birthday, I would be turning 19 years. I stared at myself in the mirror in my bathroom after just taking a shower to calm myself. I found myself calming myself these days, trying to keep myself from ending my own life!
The question would be why would a pretty, honest and intelligent girl like me want to kill myself….why? To be honest there are about a billion reasons, but adding it up together Its because I’m depressed.
My life wasn’t going the way I thought it would go, it wasn’t…and everyday it got even worse. I once had hope, I once believed in it but recently it feels like the last smoke of hope had found its way out of me.
Tomorrow I’ll do it, tomorrow I’ll commit suicide, I will go away from this earth where everyone hates me and go to heaven. The angels will smile at my arrival, they’ll embrace me and show me love.
I need to do this’ I repeated to myself.
My family expects me to come home this evening. I’m a level 300 student of medicine. And stayed off campus.
Maybe they won’t feel my absence when I go. Maybe when they come tomorrow and see me hanging lifelessly from the fan they won’t really feel too sad. If it were to be my elder sis, if she was the one that something bad happens to, they’ll cry a river for the rest of their lives.
I must kill myself!
That evening I went to the nearby market n bought a rope. I had initially thought of stabbing myself, but chances are that someone might come and rush me to the hospital and I may be saved. I must avoid that.
The choice was between the rope and a deadly rat poison. I strolled round the market searching for a rat poison to buy, a little kid had caught hold of my skirt as I asked his mother if she had rat poison. The kid had an innocent face like every other kid and a happy one. The kid made his arms for me to carry him, I couldn’t resist, he was so adorable and cute, and happy! I wish I was this happy.
The woman told me the rat poison had finished. I moved on, two kids ran past me, they were chasing each other, they were happy! Believe me if I could feel a little pang of this happiness they feel, I won’t even think of killing myself.
Many people might condemn me after I kill myself, but it doesn’t matter, it would make no difference. Being alive alone has been a torture. Imagine being close to people yet you feel so far away from them. No communication, no sincere conversations in communication, fake remarks and compliments. I was surrounded by people but I was lonely and depressed and sad and despised!
‘Pls you get rat poison’ I asked the woman who smiled at me as I approached her shop.
‘Yes I get. This one strong well, e go kill the rats fast fast’
Exactly what I needed. I payed her and she said, ‘tell me the result when next you enter market’.
The only result she would hear would be on Tv when she hear that a girl has committed suicide.
My mom was the first to call me that evening. She wanted to know what time I would get home, I informed her that I would come in the morning. She persisted I should come this evening but I told her no, I had something to finish.
I didn't sleep, the bottle of rat poison sat on the table and we gazed at each other.
Just a sip! Just a sip!
I tried through out the night to think of reasons why I shouldn't commit suicide, I tried thinking of the memorable years, being a kid, the fun, the tears and all. That’s all I knew, that’s all the joy I had, only my childhood gave me joy.
My eyes became wet, and I sobbed almost loudly as I thought about my miserable life. Only if I got more love, only if…
I removed the cover from the bottle, I paused and looked around me, final glimpse of life. I wish life had been better, I wish my beauty had given me more love and happiness, I wish my intelligence had made me more happy, I wish I had someone who I was free to tell everything that was springing up in my mind.
I emptied the bottle of poison in my mouth and gulped it down with a strong will. As soon as I did, a knock landed on my door, it repeated three more times till the person pushed the door open.
The poison had gotten to my system, the pain started slowly, I held my stomach.
‘Onyi’ my mother rushed in, there were ballons in her hands and I could sight a ‘happy birthday’ banner, she threw them away. My dad was there, and my sister and elder brother and uncle Chidi and a few neighbours who were family friends.
They were all here just to wish me a happy birthday…..what have I done!!!
But I couldn’t pay attention to them anymore, the pain became so severe that I wish I hadn’t drank the poison. It was so excruciating, so wickedly painful.
I held my mom palm and she held tighter!
‘Please make this pain go away…I want to live even if it means being sad!’ I cried with a hoax voice. My dad had rummaged thru my kitchen and found red oil. He gave me a lot of it to drink.
I drank a lot of the oil and deep inside of me I wanted it to work, I wanted to live, I don’t want to die.
I fell on the floor, rolled aggressively as the pain intensified! They tried to hold me but they couldn’t. I then realized it was the end for me, I was going to die.
Although this was what I had initially wanted, but now I would do anything just to be alive.
The rest that happened was narrated by people. My death was felt, and I hurt a lot of people. Even people that I thought didn’t even love me, but they did, they just didn’t know how to show it, when to show it.
Some cried in their rooms, the thought of me filled their everyday life, they wished they had communicated more, they wished they had done a lot more. And I wish I had not committed suicide! I wish I could come back!
Let's try to communicate more...call up that friend and see how he/she is doing. Lets smile and make our world beautiful...just your smile can save someone's life.
Suicide is never an option